So apparently, people who have never listened to my podcast before, or commented on my blog, decided to start listening with the rant episode, and then let me have it on facebook for all to see. They’ve never heard the episodes where I talked about how wonderful they are.. Great. Well, ok. I have never been one to hide, and always say that at least people know exactly where they stand with me, and they never have to wonder. I will be honest here, my first reaction to being told off was a desire to immediately delete episode 33, and the blog post, and try to hide in a hole and pretend I never ran off at the mouth. Well, obviously that won’t work, and since the person telling me off is a good friend, let me try to make amends here.
As I did mention in the initial post, but it seems to have been overlooked, I totally admit I could have overeacted to what happened at my bee meeting. I said in the initial post that I “could have overreacted, and read way more into the situation.”I admit that I had a bad day, and let someone’s passing comments upset me, even though they had no ill intent. I fully admit that I have social insecurities that sometimes contribute to my misreading a situation and taking things too personally. I sincerely apologize to anyone who was hurt by my comments, my rant, or my bitchy attitude. I never mentioned any names because I did not want to cause trouble. In episode 33, I mentioned feeling left out when everyone went to lunch, and I was suddenly sitting in am empty room, sewing all alone, and thinking, ya know, I could just be doing this at home and sewing a lot faster. So that’s what I did. I know I was not intentionally left out of lunch, and I said as much. But it just added to what I was already feeling, which was not the fault of anyone in the bee. It was and is my problem, and I am sincerely sorry for making anyone mad, hurt, or upset.
I’m sure I probably said some other ugly things about people who wear designer shoes.. This was NOT meant towards anyone specific, it was just me running off at the mouth, and being stupid. I probably said this while my mind was all muddled with thoughts of “Mean Girls” in high school who acted this way about their designer clothes, shoes, and handbags. I carry a Fossil bag myself, so trust me, I do not harbor any ill feelings toward anyone who does. We all like nice things. These comments were just all manifest of my lifelong feelings of NEVER feeling like I fit in anywhere. I always feel like the outsider. Even in this bee, I’m the crazy girl. So, if it came across as attacking anyone, or if in my frenzy of recording a podcast and not thinking about what I was saying and stating myself clearly.. if I hurt anyone I am sorry. I do not feel that way, and even if I said it, I didn’t mean it. My thoughts of high school mean girls and the situation at present could have gotten all muddled and it came out as one. Sometimes people say things in anger or hurt that they don’t mean.
I want to be clear that I was angry with ONE person in this bee, not the group as a whole. And, I have already sent a private message of apology to this person. Whether she will forgive me or not, I don’t know yet. She unfriended me on facebook, which I didn’t notice until being told off by our mutual friend. Again, I am sincerely sorry for misreading her comments, and admit that my anger was fueled by my own insecurities, and previous comments about my machine made by other people.
The machine snobbery that goes on in the quilting industry and sometimes the online quilt blogosphere is a subject for another time, but I will say that also played a part in my feelings and my overreaction. I was wrong to allow this to get to me and to use my place in the podcast community to badmouth another quilter. I want you all to know that I let my hurt feelings and anger get the best of me, and the worst came out. You should know that I don’t spend my days thinking up ways to badmouth people behind their backs. I was told that I “need to remember that most of us are considerably older than you and we have all paid our dues and done with older, less than perfect machines and just as you should not have to apologize for what you have neither should we!!” Well, I couldn’t agree more. As I have stated, I have NO problem working on a machine that others consider to be “less than” … I shouldn’t have to apologize for that, and I shouldn’t be reminded, every time I bring it to a sew day, that it’s “less than”
These quilters are the most generous people I have ever known. Always passing on their scraps to me, and never expecting anything in return. I plan to offer my apologies to the bee in person, as I am certain they’ve all heard about my rant by now, and are thinking I am a horrible, devious, manipulative, ungrateful witch of a woman. Sigh.. I will show up, apologize, and resign from the bee. I’ll finish my commitment to the row robin exchange and skip the Christmas party, as I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. I’ve lost tears over hurt feelings, and I’ve lost sleep tonight, and all I can do is say, I’m sorry.
I guess I thought I could have a little anonymous rant, get it off my chest, and we could all go on. I never named any names, and I still don’t think I need to do that here, though if you’re a facebook friend, you’ve likely already seen all that jazz. I’m not deleting any of it. That’s not my style. I’m a grown up. I’ll admit my mistakes, make my apologies, and move on. I just hope to still have some friends when it’s over. Surely women with such big, supportive, and loving hearts can find some forgiveness for a complete dolt who lost her mind for a little bit.
Now, for goodness sakes.. Go Quilt Something